Friday, July 26, 2019

Remembering Ivan. His box.

Posted: 26 July 2019
Updated: 21 Sep 19

Ivan on my office wall
Dear son, although you left us 23 years ago on the Autumnal Equinox, you are always in my thoughts. I know that 26 July, your birthdate was always your favorite date. You would be 58 today.

A few months ago I finally opened the box with your name on it that had rested on an upper shelf in my office for years after our week-long family memorial just days after your passing on the 1996 Autumnal Equinox. (I know this date had mystical meaning for you.) I don't know how that box came to be, but I resisted opening it all these years, not daring to know what was there. 

Ivan's Box 
Ivan's Box Opened
(Note corner of his last journal sticking up at box front)
I was surprised by its contents and discovered many of my own writings within, which I don't remember adding. I will want to discuss this with you and other interested family members, especially your siblings. I have promised to send this box to your brother Steve before Birgitta and I move in the near future.

Cover to Ivan's last journal

Ivan's last thoughts
(click original size to read)
Your last thoughts moved me deeply, my dear son, and I know every detail and marking has meaning. Even the fact that the rest of the journal after these three initial pages, dated June 4, 1995, is blank! That is, except for the prepublished preface.

Ivan's Journal, page 3
(The words in upper left are:
"The Searle Effect")

Blank journal preface

At a future date, I will add and respond to an old draft letter by you to me, written in September 1975 (when you were only 14!) that I never received and only became aware of a few months ago!!! It was sent to me by your oldest brother after learning about our pending move, which has affected our recent family dynamics in a most powerful, upsetting way. It deserves a thoughtful, adult, fatherly response.

27 Jul 19. Nick replied via PM: Is this [Ivan's picture] when Ivan helped u with your computer b4 he checked out? Doesn’t look u were reconciled or he was happy about being there to me. He may have come to terms w the reality that “u can’t squeeze blood from a stone”, but u definitely weren’t forgiven...  What’s the difference between u & narcissist Benedict Donald Drumpf the King Dump living in a delusional world protecting yourself from authentic self reflection & integrity? All I ask is that you admit & take responsibility for taking advantage of mom and Laurene and Barbara & make a significant & meaningful (& i know u know what “meaningful” means) gesture that proves you really mean it, and then u might return to being my dad instead of just an opportunistic & self-entitled sperm donor for/of me & the rest of us.

28 Jul 19. I responded: Nick, do you really believe that insulting and shaming is the way to repair a broken relationship? That’s obviously what Trump believes. I had a chat with Jim yesterday about the date of the pic I posted on my blog of Ivan. He didn’t know but thought it was not long after his motorcycle accident, which surprised me [being well more than ten years before his passing]. Jim also said that Ivan took it himself by photographing himself in a mirror! Wish you would disabuse yourself of the need to dominate. It won’t work. Consider partnering instead. Better yet, send me a recent dream or two of yours. Then I’ll know better how to reach you. IF YOU WANT TO BE REACHED.

28 Jul 19.  Francine Jessel Mendoza replied: Such a beautiful son! So sorry for your loss. God bless you all.

28 Jul 19. Joseph Dillard replied: We all do stupid things that are hurtful and that we would not do if we had it to do over. But we do not, and regret is a waste of time and energy, although totally understandable. The only conclusion I can draw is to use our own stupidity and that of others as a means of making ourselves and the world a better place.