Saturday, January 6, 2018

First NNK Family Round Table

Posted: 5 January 2018
Updated:  9 Jan 18


The table

My Dad
NNK self portrait circa age 60
(Nicholas Kovalenko, aka Nick Kregg, 
aka  Nikolai N. Krijanowski, 
aka Nikolai Nikolaevich Kovalenko)

My first recollection of an NNK family round table occurred in spring 1965. It was actually in a dream where I sat with my late father (NNK) and my mother, who was still alive. Dad had died the previous year on May 14, 1964, which was only a day before his 61st birthday and just a month before I took my doctorate at the University of Utah. I was very happy to see Dad in this intimate inner family setting.

I should say here that near the end of Dad's life the previous year ('64), I was in a deep post-doctoral depression between January 2 and May 14, 1964. (Miraculously, I had successfully defended my doctoral dissertation in February that year. See here for that story. ) During that terrible time, Dad invited me on a sentimental journey to visit the places in Phoenix where I grew up, out of his concern for me and to help comfort me during a confusing time. This week-long or so period was the only time I'd remembered spending such an extended private time with him. Then, only a few weeks later--it was the night before I learned of his death--I suddenly and surprisingly snapped out that 4-1/2 month long terrible depression.  I was surprised not to mourn his death, but felt strongly that my spiritual work had just begun, immediately remembering a powerful spiritual experience with him while on a visit to his California home the previous year (June 1963), just before finishing graduate school at the University of Utah.

This 1965 dream a year later was therefore an exciting surprise, since Dad had never before (in real life) been much interested in my activities other than I was making him proud by my academic achievements. Rather, he had been more interested in my interest in his life, since at his death we had been focusing for the past many months (especially before the depression) on getting his autobiography recorded, beginning with his early life as a boy soldier in the White Army during the Russian Revolution-civil war of 1917-20. Now, almost a year later, and by the time of this dream, I had become interested in several new and esoteric subjects, including other religions, parapsychology and flying saucers. 

In my dream, as I begin to reveal my delight in these new things to Dad's obvious interest, my dream-mother interrupts, frowning with disapproval. I am shocked that she would intrude on this new conversation with my dad (heavenly father?) and awake silent, but furious. I did not know what to make of this dream at the time, other than worry about its meaning.

I was to learn subsequently that this dream signaled the beginning of my disaffection from my TBM [True Blue Mormon] earthly mother and from the Mormon Church. This was because, when I shared this dream with my real life mother the next day, she behaved very much like my dream character of her! Which is to say, she dismissed my dream as nonsense.

It was not nonsense. 

But I had to learn the cause of my fury (as well as the depression) and develop ways to wake up and transform that energy into something positive, including compassion, forgiveness and love.