Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dream: writing to pro-nuclear scientists

Posted 14 April 2010

13 April 2010   Dream
Am writing email to potential steering committee members of Los Alamos Open Forum, three of which are pro-nuclear. 
This is in clear reference to Lisa Blair's observation in an email the day before that my initial list of potential candidates for the steering committee for the Los Alamos Open Forum was one-sided and too heavily weighted on the side of anti-nuclear activists. She pointed out that open forums work best when all sides of an issue are represented, especially the extreme positions.

It was a point well taken and obviously immediately corrected by my psyche!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Exchange with Joseph Dillard about inner and outer relationships

Posted: 22 April 2010

 On Wednesday, April 21, I replied to Joseph Dillard's request for comment on a letter he wrote to an unidentified friend, which I found enlightening.
My personal struggle at present is to apply the ideas about various perspectives on memes in a wise way, which of course is exactly your point. I continue my building of a healthy inner family (the latest dream about my mother was a grand, wonderful surprise!) and community while at the same time trying to relate realistically to my outer family and community, some of whom have become “toxic”. The specific case in point is my son Michael and the Absalom nature of our current outer relationship (or lack of it). I should have taken your counsel weeks ago to let go of that outer situation to concentrate on the inner only. But Michael has cleverly (like Absalom) won support from my family in general while largely succeeding to marginalize me. The latest bashing is from my brother to Birgitta and surprisingly from Lawrene to Birgitta siding with my brother.  
This morning, Thursday, April 22, Joseph replied:
One way to look at all that, my dear friend, is as so much drama. Drama is about three roles: victim, persecutor, and rescuer.  A rescuer is different from a helper in that rescuers don't wait for an invitation to help, don't check to see if the help given is appropriate, and don't stop "helping" when the job is done.  Rescuers get burn out and feel, "After all I've done for you THIS is the thanks I get!!!"  If you play one role in the drama triangle you end up playing all three.  Michael has you pegged in his mind as a persecutor.  That is because your attempts to help heal your family are mostly seen as self-serving attempts to rescue yourself. I don't know what you can do to change that.  All any of us can do is to realize there is no peace of mind within the context of the drama triangle and that our job is to not play.  Otherwise we end up playing the victim, sooner or later, generally again and again.

To me the drama triangle is the fundamental life delusion.  We see it all the time in our perception of our dreams, where it gets reinforced, out of our awareness mostly, in our consciousness.  It is not enough to simply affirm the six core qualities.  We have to follow the recommendations of high-scoring self-aspects while avoiding drama and people who insist on relating to us in its context, as if it were a tar baby.

 Nevertheless, I awoke this morning with a strategy that seems to allow me to work both sides of the spirit street, so to speak, which I will post on my blog As always, your comments are of great value. Ironically, in the name of transparency, I “foolishly” posted some of your recent comments to my blog, which Michael used in his global letter to the family to present the very opposite of your meaning (I think!). In any case I’ve dug myself a hole, which I’m now obliged to crawl out of, perhaps with egg on my face or a crow salad. This morning’s insights allow me not to worry about those consequences or saving face!

The fact that Michael is looking at your blog means he is actively seeking ways to have a drama-based relationship with you: rescuing himself and his family from persecuting Dad.  Any counterarguments on your part will only seem self-serving.  Perhaps agreeing, in an exaggerated, amusing sort of way, lets everyone know that they are free to think whatever they want about you.

 Until yesterday I was greatly stressed. With this morning’s insights, I’m eager to develop and post them.

Some feedback on your post of the 21st:

I know exactly what you are saying when you say "it is entirely my fault."  But two things.  It isn't entirely your fault.  There are other jackasses in the picture!  Also, I hate the word "fault," along with "guilt," "blame," "ought," and "should," because they all focus on placing blame (punishment) rather than on solutions.  Why waste time trying to find out who's guilty when the energy could go toward problem solving???

Your idea of the Great Human Family Round Table is great - if you have any takers!  I suppose in one sense all the combined blogs in the world is one diffuse form of same.  

After we die, it seems likely to me that our human family will mean absolutely nothing.  We will probably blend with spiritual families that adhere to a similar level of development, if we aren't totally in deep sleep.  So keeping the company of those who actively work to become fearlessly confident, compassionate, wise, accepting, deeply at peace, and witnessing (and out of the drama triangle!) is about creating good companionship for the next stage of our evolution.

Blessings and love,


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Open Letter to Friends and some Family

Posted: Wednesday, 21 April 2010

With thanks to M. Scott Peck's chapter "Vulnerability" in his book The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace 

"I", Eugene N. Kovalenko, born Eugene Nicholas Kregg, have made a mess of things!

And it is entirely my fault.

Many of my family--children, grandchildren, brother, two of four wives--do not speak to me these days because they think I am ill, crazy or certainly not worth engaging or communicating with. I believe they feel hurt, offended, betrayed, ignored, invaded, assaulted and otherwise not valued or loved well.  All this is well deserved by me. I surely have not heard them well enough; surely have not loved them well enough; surely have not blessed their lives well enough. Of this surely mea culpa! Maxima culpa!

I don't know what to do about it other than to pray and give it to God. It is out of my unworthy pilgrim's hands. Yes, despite it all, I have always wanted to experience an intimate family community, but that continually seems to elude me. I have now let it go.

This is not to say I do not feel valued, because I do--by God. This is not to say that I feel hopeless, because I do not--because of God. It does say that I feel entirely dependent on "Him"--that Divine Presence from which we all come. Let this be also said as Life. I hesitate to name this more. Some refer to "Life" itself as "The Most High God", others "The Source", "The Giver of Life", etc. I am not enlightened enough to distinguish any of this other than to say I acknowledge a power far beyond my wildest imagination which controls our individual lives and destinies, which I often think of and refer to as "The Father of All"--the Ultimate Creator: the ISNESS and ISNOTNESS--all that is manifest and unmanifest.

I dare not say more except  that I worship and reverence this power. But I do dare to say that I am unable to accept anyone telling me how to relate to this power other than to acknowledge it in their own lives and telling the rest of us their own stories of worship and relationship.

In a next post I propose a place to meet to tell our stories to each other and develop our collective imagination. I call it The Great Human Family Round Table. There is a place for everyone of good will, respect, acceptance and honesty at this table.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dream: pleasant chat with Mother

Posted: Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Dream: 15 April 2010 0430
I am talking pleasantly to my mother and telling her about LADDOF [Los Alamos Deep Democracy Open Forum]. As she approaches her car to leave, I ask if she is interested in my Open Forum project. “Well, of COURSE, I’m interested” she exclaims as I flip a business card into her car’s back seat. Then, she says, “You might want to check it out with Del Clawson’s people.” 

This is the first time I have dreamed about my late mother since 1965 when she was 55 years of age and preparing to go on an LDS mission. Dad had died the year before. In the 1965 dream I am with Mom and Dad at a small round table and the conversation is mixed. Dad has taken an interest in me for the first time, but Mom objects to our conversation. I become enraged at her interruption. See ....  for Dream Yoga interviews of the 1965 Round Table Fury dream.  My current dream above is a pleasant contrast and of major significance for me. Stay tuned for a Dream Yoga interview...

BTW, just in case there was more to the dream than my personal inner symbolic reality, I contacted what I thought were "Del Clawson's people", which consists of Del's second son and his family. I was able to locate them through the Moses Clawson Family Organization. Before last Sunday, when I talked to my cousin's wife (who knew my mother and recognized my name on caller ID) and again when my cousin returned my call, I did not know much about them. We will see if there is yet some outer significance to this dream.

January 2012
It would be almost two years before I learned that "Del Clawson's people" in my dream meant much more than Del Clawson's progeny!

May 9, 2012
On Tuesday, May 8, I attended a dream workshop at Victoria Rabinowe's studio in Santa Fe on the theme "My Mother/Myself", having brought the two dreams above to work on. Besides Victoria and me, three others showed up. All were strong women: Linda, Freya and Jennifer.

I arrived a half hour early at Victoria's suggestion to get acquainted and was flabbergasted to learn that she and I had crossed paths in June 1993 in Santa Fe on the day she began her dreamwork journey. It was at the annual conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams (ASD) [now called the International Association for the Study of Dreams (IASD)]. I had sung "Beautiful Dreamer" to open the conference that year at the request of the incoming president. Victoria was in the audience and remembered the song!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Inner Community-Making

Posted: 19 April 2010

In the Talmud it is written:

"We see things not as they are, but as we are."

With that in mind, I'm letting go of all outer connections with my family, except for those who are still talking to me. I have clearly pissed off almost everybody, it seems, beginning with Michael and my brother and now Lawrene. Katya and Annie are somewhere in this group, too, if not also Jim, Steve and Johnny. Bummer!

Michael, I'm so sorry you feel invaded regarding your website. I thought I was responding to what you posted, since there was a contact option. I took that as an invitation to comment. I keep remembering your comment in Virginia, "Dad, I want you to fight for this relationship," believing you were telling the truth. Were you? I obviously didn't understand and you experienced it as "lashing out". Something wasn't adding up.  Actually, I experienced it as you throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old. In any case, I will be taking off the stuff that I copied from your site onto my site and revising those posts. Gee whiz! I blew it, didn't I? You guys out there now seem far different from who I thought you were and who you are in me! 

So, for the time being, I'm going to concentrate on you in me as a kind of spiritual psychokinesis and leave you "out there" alone. That said, I will still respond to anyone "out there" who still wants to communicate with me "out there". But you will have to contact me first.

It's uncanny how stuff I've been reading even today regarding spiritual development in M. Scott Peck's The Different Drum is so relevant to the dynamic of our family. I wouldn't have been able to comprehend the family's reactions without Peck's perspective.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Mystery of Michael, Part One

Posted: 17 April 2010
Updated: 18 April 2010

For over two years, ever since his "ENKervention" of February 2008 in Virginia, I have been troubled by my son Michael's alienation. In attempting to comprehend his attitude and increasingly hostile behavior to date, I recently began to be nagged by a faint recollection of a 1991 phone call from him and having seen a letter he had written to me at the same time, but which I never received.

I remember this phone call because of how it contrasted to another call at the same time from his brother Ivan, who had called from Anaheim Stadium where he had just attended the first "Promise Keepers" conference, which had deeply affected him. Ivan called to confess his remorse at having said bad things about me and promised he would never again behave like that or say such things to or about me to others. I was deeply moved.

In contrast Michael in his 1991 phone call said he'd recently dreamed of his grandfather (my dad) who had come to visit him out of concern for his family. This was especially interesting and curious to me because my dad, his grandfather,  had died more than two years before Michael's birth.

I rediscovered the long-missing 1991 letter from Michael just a few days ago among my mother's papers in a box that had been given to me by my brother soon after her death in 2003. The envelope was addressed to her, but the letter was written to me, not as "Dad", but without respect simply as "Eugene". . It was the first time I can recall that Michael ever addressed me this way. Despite this, it was the date on his letter (March 9, 1991) that startled me, because this was the date of my first hypnotherapy session with Dr. David Cheek at the by-invitation-only TREAT III conference in Kansas City, MO. In that session two attached spirits identified themselves by name and engaged in conversation with Dr. Cheek.

[Note: The late David Cheek, M.D. was an obstetrician who in using medical hypnosis techniques discovered attached spirits in many of his expectant mothers that interfered with their deliveries. He learned that he could talk to many of these spirits and negotiate with them to release their attachment and "go into the Light". He was so successful in this aspect of his practice that it became his major focus and he was eventually hired by the FBI and US Postal Service to help employees and others with strange behavioral patterns. Dr. Cheek was been invited by Dr. Rima Laibow, psychiatrist and TREAT conference founder [TREAT = Treatment and Research on Experienced Anomalous Trauma] , to present his findings to the conference. I was invited by Dr. Laibow to present my CREEI dreamwork process to the conference after having met her at an earlier conference and introducing her to my findings. After Cheek made his presentation, I introduced myself and asked if he would put me through his process. He accepted and we had a first session while at the Kansas City conference. Subsequent sessions were conducted at his offices in Santa Barbara, California.]

This first session and four successive ones were all recorded, but I had not listened to the tapes afterwards. In fact, I had forgotten about them until summer 2004, when I inadvertently came across these tapes in a box in my closet. I took them to listen to while driving to a symposium in Salt Lake City and was surprised and fascinated to hear one of the "attached" spirits identified itself (in my voice) as "Nicholas", my father! According to the recording, "Nicholas" had attached himself to me at the time of his death in May 1964 because he saw me, his son, under great spiritual stress and decided to stay around to protect me. I was at that time in a post-doctoral depression. Suddenly, when hearing this in 2004--40 years later!--I understood why I snapped out of that 1964 depression at the time of my father's death just before I learned about it.

It was only after considerable urging by Dr. Cheek that this spirit agreed to leave me and go into the "Light". Cheek had said to the attachment, "Eugene is now strong enough not to need your protection any longer". With that assurance "Nicholas" agreed to leave and did. The timing of this "release" and the date of Michael's letter was a startling synchronicity. Could it be that Michael somehow understood his dream as a call to take responsibility for his grandfather's family?

This could explain why Michael sent that 1991 letter to his grandmother instead of to me, his father.

Mystery to be continued. Second spiritual attachment to be identified...

Friday, April 9, 2010

When Ivan died

Posted: 9 April 2010
Updated: 17 April 2010

When Ivan died in the fall of 1996 our family suddenly came together in shock, grief and brokenness. The tragedy of Ivan's death brought us dramatically into a first experience of family community--or so I thought. Everyone but Barbara and Johnny (third family) came to Santa Fe. This was near the scrub cedar site where Ivan was found in his car by bicyclists roaming dirt trails, motor still running with exhaust pipe carefully rerouted into a sealed rear window. Photocopied pages from obvious library research on how to commit suicide by carbon monoxide gas poisoning were on the floorboard.

I was in Santa Ana, California, conducting performance tests to satisfy FDA requirements on one of John Bowen's dental sterilization devices, when Birgitta called the test laboratory. She had been called by Ivan's roommate after the Santa Fe police had contacted him a little earlier. So, Birgitta was the first of the family to have learned what had happened. She asked John Bowen to stay close to me when she gave me the news. I'll never forget the shock and my outcry. John's hands were on and gripping my shoulders as I broke down...

Betty, Ivan's mother, was next to know. Fortunately she was at home in nearby Irvine when I drove over to her place. "I'm not surprised" she said simply and sadly. We then called all the children--Ivan's siblings--beginning with the oldest. Jim, Ivan's other roommate and third oldest sibling, was away out of contact at the time, so he was the last to be informed.

Michael was a calming influence. When I called him in San Diego, he made immediate arrangements to come up and drive Betty and me from California to New Mexico. I'll not soon forget how quiet, steady and comforting he was for us. His mother, Lawrene, came from Washington, Nick from Hawaii, Katya from Louisiana and Steve from Virginia. In all, eight of us came together in crisis without need of outside help. Everyone seemed instinctively to know what to do. Nick was first to arrive and took charge of practical arrangements. It didn't occur to me to insist on seeing Ivan before he was cremated, even though that had already happened before we (Betty, Michael and I) arrived to Santa Fe.

We all spoke to each other differently during that somber period. We wept and forgave each other for what then seemed trivial grievances. The blockages preventing us from communicating openly and freely with each other simply dissolved. Now, all that mattered is that we met to mourn our son and brother in an attitude of unconditional love--or so it seemed. (I do not now recall anything that Michael said then or how he behaved other than being quiet.)

We stayed together for a week in Santa Fe and Los Alamos; a week that seemed miraculous. At its end, just before we all left for our respective homes, Nick declared: "Ivan's gift has brought our family together!"

It was not to last.

Whether my family can again capture such closeness, forgiveness and acceptance, I do not know. But I do believe it is now in what M. Scott Peck describes as the stage of "Emptiness" in his classic The Different Drum. Here are a couple of relevant pages from the chapter called "Stages of Community-Making".

Ivan's 1996 death evoked the first defining event of our family. Michael's "ENKervention" campaign beginning in 2008 has provoked a longer process and a second defining event. Our family may after all disintegrate and slide back into chaos or pseudo community OR choose to move through emptiness and into true community. The latter will happen only if individual family members have the courage to stand by their own experiences with an attitude of good will and unconditional love, disallowing their choices to be managed or manipulated by others.

Future posts: Inner Community-making; The Mystery of Michael.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Rabbi's Gift

Posted: 17 April 2010

The Prologue to Scott Peck's Different Drum describes a myth ascribed to a nameless rabbi. I suspect it is from Peck himself. Whether from a real rabbi or Peck's fertile imagination makes no difference. Its value is intrinsic. I hope my family will read it.

Militant Ignorance

Posted: 6 April 2010
Updated: 17 April 2010

"Militant Ignorance" is a term I've just learned from having re-read M. Scott Peck's 1987 book The Different Drum, Community Making and Peace. It is Peck's short definition of "evil". I missed this definition in my first reading in 1988, which is when I met Peck at a US-USSR Sister Cities conference in Telluride, Colorado, where he was an invited speaker. My son Steve was with me.

Earlier in the same book Peck writes:
 "...Jung ascribed human evil to the refusal to meet the Shadow--the Shadow being those aspects of ourselves that we do not want to own or recognize and that we continually attempt to sweep under the rug of consciousness."
These are unequivocal descriptions of what I am encountering in my pilgrim's progress with family, church and society.

It was from Peck at the Telluride conference that I first heard about an organization called The Sunstone Foundation, an independent Mormon organization dedicated to telling and publishing a sympathetic truth about the Mormon experience and tradition.

When I spoke to him after his presentation I made him aware that I was a Mormon. He was interested to know this and then said that he thought the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City was a classic example of what called "Pseudo community", which is "Stage I" in his four stage model of community described in his book. He went on to say that the Sunstone Foundation was an example of an organization at "Stage III", or the "Emptiness" phase, and it is this process that Mormon leaders are wary of with regard to dealing with or controlling their members. They are concerned, Peck said, that their members could get stuck in that stage and never move on to "Stage IV" or true community.

He then told me that he had an entire shelf full of copies of the Book of Mormon, which had been sent by Mormons who had read his first book The Road Less Traveled and that he couldn't give them away. This because they were all signed by well-wishers eager to convert him.

I was to learn years later from Mormon psychiatrist C. Jess Groesbeck, whom I met at a Sunstone conference shortly after the Telluride conference, that he and Peck were classmates in Medical school, Groesbeck being one year ahead. Groesbeck then made me aware that he thought The Road Less Traveled was so attractive to Mormons was because it was written as a consequence of long conversations between Peck and Groesbeck's close friend, Professor Howard E. Salisbury, once a distinguished faculty member of Rick's College in Rexburg, Idaho (now known as BYU Idaho).

Monday, April 5, 2010

Open letter #2 to son Michael

Posted: 5 April 2010
Updated: 17 April 2010

Dear Michael, I received your returned envelope postmarked 3/24/10 a couple of days later. It had not been opened, so you obviously hadn't read my 3/17/10 note inside. The returned envelope came before I was aware of your 3/23 email to the family, so I surmise you had already written and sent it before you got the package.

If you ever read this post, you will notice that the prediction in my 3/17 note gives only two options. Your action of returning it unopened illustrated a third. That means you neither read the contents nor destroyed them, but simply ignored and returned them. I hadn't anticipated that.

Do you remember what you said to me at our meeting with other family members at Dulles Airport in February 2008? You said, "Dad, I want you to fight for this relationship."

So, rightly or wrongly, I'm assuming that your returning the package was a communication of sorts, albeit an unconscious one, and not a total rejection. I'm assuming you were telling the truth then so am taking you at your word, looking for any opening I can find. This post is one of them.

Again, should you ever read this post, you will notice the first pages from two Sunstone papers are attached herein. The first paper, "Did Joseph Smith Know Himself?" could not have been written without your rejection, which I experienced as a wake up call. The second paper by Prof. Gae Lyn Henderson was a companion paper, which could not have been written without the first.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Dream Yoga interview of "Tantrum"

Posted: Thursday, 1 April 2010
Updated: Monday, 18 April

Note: Am having formating problems with this post. Please be patient with my incompetence!

On March 30 I did a first Dream Yoga interview of my most recent dream, "Tantrum" and sent it to Joseph Dillard. Here is what I sent: